You know you're in a hotel room with napping children when...

  • Opening a pack of sugar takes 30 seconds and sounds like a jackhammer breaking up concrete.
  • Setting your glass down on the table requires two hands and a maneuver like the thing Harrison Ford did with the satchel of sand at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • You have better night vision than a puma, because you've been sitting still in the dark for 90 minutes wondering if you'll have to use the bathroom before they wake up.
  • And if you do: would it really be so bad to soil yourself to avoid waking them up? I mean, you have plenty of clean clothes over there in the suitcase. 
  • You have stuffed towels under doorway cracks and wedged suitcases against curtains to prevent any light from entering your personal crypt of woe. Because you and your family are vampires.
  • You discover how to type silently, literally, on a keyboard. Your WPM drops to 11.
  • You disavow all prior thoughts of having additional children. Those are the delusional ramblings of a madman who clearly has never been in a hotel room with sleeping children.

Written (silently) from a Residence Inn in Dedham, MA USA.